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Wednesday, October 31, 2007
My wife asked me to write something for her blog so here it goes. She said I should write about my “feelings” and about our daughter Megan and/or Down Syndrome. I don’t know why she wants to know about my feelings. I think my feelings are not that interesting and most of the time I suppress my feelings so deep I don’t even know what I am feeling. For example, when my mom had her last stroke, when my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, when Megan went to get tested for some disorder, I always feel nothing. I have a tendency to “know” everything will be OK. I think I have some kind of internal defense mechanism that hides my worries, fears, etc. from surfacing, which works out good because my wife seems to be always worried about something.
My “feelings” about Megan are the same as they are for all my kids. I love my kids and my wife and I feel lucky everyday that I have the family I do. My “feelings” about Down Syndrome are more complicated. As Megan grows up I feel more and more that Down Syndrome is no more then something that Megan has just like she has blond hair and blue eyes. I expect Megan to show people that she can do things they don’t expect. I hate when people say she won’t get married or won’t go to college. I tell everyone she is going to be a famous astrophysicist who will win a Nobel Prize for discovering worm-holes that allow for trans-galactic travel. There are things I hate about DS, mostly the way it effects my wife. I hate that my wife spend so much time thinking about it. She is worried about people’s prejudices against Megan. She worries about heart problems that she never got. She worries about leukemia, autism, so many things I could never come up with them all.
So that’s how I feel. I am having a hard time surfacing my feelings and just as hard of a time articulating them. Bye, Bye.

4 comments:

Katie said...

Excellent...I think I'm going to ask husband to do the same. It's sweet to see how much your love for your wife shows through, even though your post isn't about her at all. =)

Leah said...

Ok, well for someone who doesn't think his feelings are important, you've caused me to be wiping tears from my face again.

What you said is what some of us moms who worry about everything wish we could say! We wish that we could have some internal safety device that would prevent us from the constant worry. We wish we could just be "the mom" and not "the mom of the child who has DS." SOME DAYS...I can be just "the mom." SOME DAYS!!!! But more often than not the worry creeps in. It's probably a lot to do with post traumatic stress disorder or something. Or maybe it's just being the mom?

Whatever it is, you did a beautiful job of showing us your feelings Joe, even though you thought they weren't that big a deal.

Michelle said...

Ciarra's Daddy would agree with you. He doesnt worry about it, either. He just knows "It'll be ok." It WILL be ok. In fact, most of the time its pretty darn great. ;)vfarkm

BloomingtonBaby said...

I think you articulated that pretty damn well. Very touching.